God´s healed me of despair
…My problems´ve completely filled up my heart and mind and I´ve stopped perceiving God although I prayed to Him every day.As if God´d ceased existing.All of a sudden I was feeling terribly alone.
Three years ago last autumn I gave my life over to Jesus Christ.I´ve been going through plenty of joys but also anguish since then. I´d like to write about an experience.
More than a year ago I took a job after the maternity leave and a year period of unemployment.I was very enthusiastic and thought I hit the jackpot ( if only for the reason that I had to pass an open competition to a post which I gained ).I was enjoying my work and approximately during the first three months I was completely satisfied.Later, I started meeting with unwillingness, lack of interest. lack of understanding and unacceptance by my fellow workers.No matter what I did I wasn´t able to please them. I haven´t pleased even my boss many times.These relations didn´t get better, far from it! In addition to all this, I started having some health complaints after half a year.
The medicines had no effect, a sick leave or a month sick note were of no use either.After about two months I took a decision to quit my job ( for health reasons ).It was really very difficult to decide, I didn´t want to lose this job.I´ve been praying all the month to make a good decision.I remember that crying during a Mass I asked the Lord for the light in this matter.I told him:“My Lord, I don´t know what to do, what´s better for me.I can´t understand this situation.However,I´m handing my job over to you and I don´t cling to it anymore.Do to me what you like.If you like me to leave this job, I´ll do it.Let me know it somehow, please“.On next weekday I´ve already known that I´m with the firm for the last time and I really have to leave ( to all my associates´ astonishment ).But expected calmness and health improvement didn´t arise.Gradually some doubts,self-regret, inferiority complex, dissatisfaction, unease in my heart, pain, fear and uncertainty´ve arisen.
I began to go to see doctors, look for psychologists´ help, I studied different kinds of psychotherapy and thought even of doing yoga exercises ( as I´d been advised ).I was looking for anything that´d help me. My problems´ve completely filled up my heart and mind and I´ve stopped perceiving God although I prayed to him every day.As if God´d ceased existing.All of a sudden I was feeling terribly alone.I didn´t feel like going to church, praying, attending the prayer meeting.Simply nothing.Many times I´ve been even sick and tired of living.Only my family kept me going, I lived for them although I felt sick..A week before Chrismas I was fed up with everything.I blamed God for everything.I reproached God for taking away my health, work and finally my heart´s peace.I told him he was only tormenting me.
I´ve stopped being interested in the life with him and I wasn´t simply able to go on like this.Out of despair I asked for the „interceding“ prayer ( it wanted a little bit of humility ).Then, something´s changed.The next day wasn´t the same as the previous one.Peace and joy reigned within me.I perceived it all the day long and I´ve been perceiving it until now.I haven´t got up with fear and fright of how I´d live through that day but happy to meet Jesus Christ.I started looking forward to every new day.There´s nothing like a desperate person getting the new hope .There´s nothing like a desperate person meeting Jesus again.It´s amazingly liberating.God´s love filled up completely my heart and I stopped looking for various forms of treatment.
Since I found out that none of people could give me internal peace, love, encouragement, hope and certainty.It´s only God who gives that. And I haven´t longed for anything else anymore.This experience was a sort of help for me because when I viewed myself truthfully I came to the conclusion that the greatest success of my life doesn´t consist in my professional fulfillment but in meeting living and loving God.I wouldn´t change my place with anyone else.I realized again that I craved for so many „things“ in my life but the most important one was still escaping me.I´m very happy although I´m still out of work and I still have health troubles.( in a smaller degree, though ).However, all my problems are much more bearable now.I want to encourage all of you who are reading my story and are worried or desperate. We can´t avoid suffering in this world but God is ready to help us and compensate us this pain by his love many times over.However, we have to admit we can´t help by ourselves and we must believe he´s able to do it.It´s good to open your heart to God and show him your pain, you can simply tell him what we´re unsatisfied with.
God likes giving his graces but it´s up to us to ask for them.He´s waiting for it.
It´s not for the first time ( and perhaps for the last time either ) that I´ve stopped trusting God and lost that internal peace and joy.But I´m not desperate.It´s not important how many times we´re going to fall in our life but it´s important to stand up again and go on, go and look for the essential thing in the life, that is – seek God, seek Jesus Christ……
„Praise, honour, glory and my sincere thanks to You, my Lord“
Pavla Genzerová
Zlín January 2004
Displayed 21534x od 22. 01. 2004
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