Ježíš

The culmination of my emotions was caused by the procession of people going to worship the cross.As soon as I understood what they were going to do there I had a problem.Me and the cross….it was always the same problem? I reproached myself for being so late and for not sitting beside my friend.Now I could stand behind her and simply mimic her.God knows he didn´t want this.!! No copy.He wanted the original because he´s interested in the quality.Let your yes be yes and your no be no since He holds to be hazy and indirect what´s between these two attitudes.He deliberately left it to me to decide.

There was a fight.Every fight was something like a duel.The Duel of Titans.One voice asked me:“Go!“The other one commanded:“Stay!“Something that I couldn´t manage was going on in my heart.Something I couldn´t come into.I could just wait and see who´d be the winning party.My heart cried:“go as it´s still possible“while people came to worship the cross one after another.“ I wanted to go there but it was impossible.My feet were glued.The procession of people was long very long so I enjoyed it p r o p e r l y.I was afraid most of commiting some mortal sin and I´d never be able to go to church.At the end of the Mass my friend told me I could.I heaved a sigh of relief but didn´t sort the problem out.She wanted to go with me to His grave.I couldn´t.I couldn´t look at his face, at the one who stood the test.What about me? I felt guilty.I could feel a double guilt.About those voices.Because they were heard.I couldn´t be in control of them.I wasn´t able to decide.And then towards Him.Towards a man who I started to respect, who I began to think highly of and now I disappointed him on the first occasion.Quick! Just outside the church and tears welled up in my eyes.I was crying.I haven´t cried like this for long. It went out from the bottom of my heart.I considered myself to be a complete failure.

On my way home I found out how I´d have to make up for it.I have to apologize to Him.To regret it sincerely and to do what I hadn´t done in that church.Nobody was at home so I headed toward the cross that hangs behind the door of our living room.Suddenly it crossed my mind that once I´d experienced a moment of weakness and gone to caress this cross.Now I know I want to k n e e l down in front of it and tell him a b s o l u t e l y  patiently:here I am!!!

Give him my heart and fall at his feet in the same way as those priests had done it.

At these words your heart is filled with love.You can´t feel your heart but your body that overflows by this love.It literally inundates you.And it dawns on me – that´s IT.That´s what I´ve missed for all those years.Love.Love is God and God is Love.I´ve been looking for it.This simple equation that nobody taught me at school.You´re overflowing with love in God´s arms for a few seconds or minutes.I´ve lost the idea of how time flies.The feelings of happiness, bliss, freedom and lightness embrace you.And you suddenly understand that the life is worth living owing to this moment.I´m loved as I´m.This sets me free.It´s as if He told me:“Your sins and your trespasses are forgiven and everything was erased and wiped off.“

I admit having certain reservation as far as the Christianity is concerned because I ran away with the idea that my name had been put on the index when I wasn´t the right sheep.I thought to be the disobedient sheep which every time got strayed and the chief shephard had to chase her in the evenings.So why should I join the herd and subordinate my interest to some authority? I didn´t want to subordinate to any authority because I presumed that it might restrain my freedom.I wanted to remain as I am and at the same time to be free.I wanted to live without order, without scruples.Dostojevskij says:“If there is no God everything is permitted.“ However, you can´t live like this for long.It took me a long time to realize my mistake and I could write lots of pages about my teaching process.When you reassess your life.For what purpose? Where God isn´t put first there it doesn´t matter how you arrange your values.Nevertheless, you start to become aware of God´s lessons, you begin to ask why they are here, what I´ve messed up and suddenly you stop trusting yourself and fear comes.And fear is a bastard.It´ll make you immobile.Your batteries are flat.Who´ll help you now?You´re struggling with your own ego, it´s exhausting and you´re losing.Who do you accuse of it? Who do you feel sorry for? It´s good to ask.What was the use of all these doctrines about the wisdom of life although they told me about love and sympathy? The knowledge that they could redeem me only by wisdom.But I wanted to redeem all my being.

“Alexander,Caesar, Charlesmagne and I have founded great kingdoms.But on what did we base the creation of our genius? On power.Jesus´s founded his empire on love and even these days millions of people´d die for him.How far is my deep misery from the eternal Christ´s empire….“

He can´t help himself – scoffers are mocking.Get down from the cross.Did „this can´t“ amount to the inability? No, it didn´t.He couldn´t save himself because he didn´t want to.He loves us so much that he´s died for us.He didn´t let the others take his life.He gave it to us.He is the SAVIOUR AND MESSIAH.

I thought how well I was prepared…by my own efforts, will and longing…..but it didn´t work.Thousand times I could tell myself all possible axioms and try to do spiritual exercises and discipline but my heart wasn´t open.Try to get rid of everything except for my pride.It´s wrong to think I was completely indifferent to the cross.I only pretended it.I knew for sure that cross hung on the wall and presumed it to be an admonishing finger at me.Many times I´ve struted around:“You can see, I´m all right I don´t need You.“And when I was down in the mouth persuaded myself:“I´ll manage it by myself.“Nowdays I know by having said “ I don´t need You“ I kept God withing certain limits beyond which he couldn´t go.The only person who defines these boundaries is you.Nevetheless, nobody can miss him, get away from his influence whether he is believer or atheist.The human life falls through without God.Destiny of the famous philosopher Nietsche is a proof of it.Although he wanted he couldn´t live without God.He succumbed totally in this fight.“If there´s no God you can´t bear the loneliness either“, he admits at the end of his life.

These days I know that through the cross God doesn´t force us but invites us.He asks us to look up to the one who died for you.What you can see on the cross isn´t the judgement on the one who hangs on it since he is without any sin.It goes for you.The cross is the sign of your failure.

When I was in raptures in that church, in the power of surrendering myself to Him, when I could feel my guilt and judge myself, when I realized my own weakness and I wanted to tell God about it in my humility……then I opened the way for God´s grace.You´ve been exempted from God´s judgement with reference to his sacrifice.Not because of your activity,endeavour, efforts, reflections and zeal as I erroneously assumed.Not even because of no matter how lofty deeds – „All of you have sinned and are far from God´s glory“ but because of God´s mercy.Although I don´t deserve it at all He takes pity on me and offers me the forgiveness of my sins like „a gift“.I´m unable to thank properly.

Now it´s ME.I´m natural like this.And completely wrong.After having studied so much I´m asking myself where or who you expected this general pardon from.I may have thought something from the outer space´d knock my head so that at last the penny could drop.Or as the Mayas say:“You might expect the roar of pardal and it´s only the quiet whisper.The quiet whisper of the Great Spirit.

I can hardly wait for the Sunday Mass.I owe it to him.It´s holiday Holy Mass and the church is packed.Nevertheless, it occurs to me that even if it wasn´t Easter Sunday and there were just ten people and me it´d be festive as well.I´m listening to the priest who speaks from my heart:“You´ve ascended the Easter mountain, there´s a magnificent view from here but what next? He confirms my ideas.I can feel it´s not my goal but the starting point.What next? I don´t want to go down.I´ve gone down many times and it´s quite a way to go up.Although I´m not tired I have impression to go the last leg of the journey by funicular railway.To stay put? I don´t feel like doing it either.I´ve already stood – like a sort of victim of my own creation.I´m full of newly born energy and that´s why I want to go on.My feet are free, my heart is open and my brain is set.Which way shall I go to God? Where did all those saintes go?Is it any end of this journey? I´ve seen through the material world.But the spiritual one…?It doesn´t have any limits.And that´s exactly what temps me.Thalét from Miletus is said to observe the starry sky when he walked and at the same time he fell in the well for water.The servant saw it and laughed at him.The laugh of this servant can be heard during the history of mankind.It´s the laugh of people who don´t look up.They´ve sorted out all their problems and are quick at repartee.They think to give right opinion on everything and like to judge.They´re managers of their lives.It´s impossible for them to be touched by the stars in the sky and they´re proud of it.Are they living better? Are they happier? God knows…Which way shall I go? You can find the answer in the gospel of John: “I´m the way, the truth and the life“.

This is hope, consolation, certainty and on the other hand also the daring statement for the one who hasn´t settled down in Christianity.My heart is decided but what about my brain?It troubles me, doesn´t want to add up five and five and makes up things again.Oh, the eternal thinking.How easier have it those who went straight to Him and didn´t search elsewhere! If you mix various systems you´ll pay for it!Your brain understands only impefectly, there´s also something else saved there.It acknowledges: The way – O.K. it must lead you somewhere because you don´t stagnate or you aren´t at a standstill.The life:of course, everyone lives his or her own one, in thousand ways and notwithstanding it´s only one life despite the colourfulness is always the same.And the truth – about myself? Someone has already seen me through but likes me, all right.I don´t have to play-act.What´s the truth?

What´s the result of all this if we disregard the past and the fight of miscellaneous contradicting truths up to these days when everyone can be right depending on their viewpoints? Something that is a truth for one person can be a lie for another one.And you feel it´s not the case it can´t be the case either because it must be an absolute Truth which is binding and our personal truths are morally obliged to approach to.The philosopher tells you the normal definition of the truth, it´s an agreement of reason with reality.As they are three sorts of this agreement consequently, they are three types of truths.The truth of being, logical and moral truths.When Pilate asked Jesus:“What is the truth?“ he didn´t receive any direct answer because Jesus had already told him before.

Jesus is the Truth in all three levels of its meaning.So why is there any dilemma here?

Seek the kingdom of God first and its justice and all other things will be given to you.Jesus really wants me to look for the God´s kingdom and then he´ll give me all the other things.He speaks about „giving“ not about my duty to „working towards“ it.What a strong pledge!

To receive Jesus as the truth, the way and the life.Each of these three words expresses everything.