God´s taken a heavy load off my mind
The doctors suspect there is a bulge in one place of my cerebral blood vessel.The rupture of this bulge and haemorrhage are imminent and they could put my life at risk.I´m 38 and I´ve got three children.“Lord, be with me and hold me!Without You I´m not going any further.I don´t mean to plan my life anymore because I know I´ll never be happy in this way.I´ve already…
I´d like to write this evidence about the great favour God´d granted me.I´ve been suffering from frequent headaches for a few years and that´s why my neurologist sent me to have a computed tomography of my brain.I was told they suspected there was a bulge in one place of my cerebral vessel.It´d meant that I had to have another more detailed check-up of the magnetic resonance that either confirmed or disproved this fact.In the case that the bulge was confirmed it would have involved an operation at any rate, otherwise the rupture of the bulge and haemorrhage were imminent and they could put my life at risk.I was given the term of next check-up in ten days.
This piece of news was rather tough for me as I´m 38 and I´ve got three children and my youngest one is three.I´d never been seriously ill nor my life had been at risk.Nor it occured to me.“Why should God give me any sicknesses? He knows I´ve got children who still need me!“.“Why are you doing this to me, Lord?“I asked.
I´d been struggling with this thought and ( alleged ) diagnosis for five days
There was a darkness and terrible fear in my heart.“What will become of me and how about my children and husband?“….
Depressive thoughts weighed on my mind.What if the operation fails and I won´t survive or what if I stay paralysed.And God was silent – there was no comfort from Him.For that reason I asked a couple of my friends for the intercessory prayer and my husband and I also started praying more.I´d been experiencing this anxieties for six days and then, something changed.
It´s sprung to my mind that I should read the book from Tomislav Ivančič
“The Life from the power of spirit and prayer“.I was deeply touched by the part where the author of this book – a Catholic priest – said that he´d gone down with the cancer of pancreas and pleaded the Lord to heal him and promised Him the earth but God was silent.Only when he accepted his disease prepared for death and surrendered everything to God, then He told him He still needed him.Afterwards, the recovery ensued.All of a sudden it came to my mind that the only thing that God wanted from me was an absolute loyalty, that is, to surrender to Him your physical life your kids and your husband because I´d clung to them.Then, I had to surrender my health as well since I also clung to it very much and I had to admit that it wouldn´t have been good in the near future.
Next day I went to the prayer meeting that I attended and there I surrendered everything to God with solemnity and pain.Everybody prayed for me and I believed that only in this way I´d untie the hands of God and I´d allow Him to act freely in this difficult situation.I had to do it because I couldn´t stand any longer this serious uncertainty and fear and especially my heart looked for the God´s peace.I´ve already experienced it previously when I´d surrendered my youngest child in the maternity hospital with pain.This child was premature and didn´t thrive.When I was at the prayer meeting, the Lord spoke strong words to us through a brother and I realized again that the only thing I was to fear was the sin that lead to the eternal damnation.
However,I should also surrender this fear to the Lord because He rose from the dead and once and for all He vanquished the ruler of the darkness.It dawned on me that whatever suffering would once end but the suffering of the damned person would never end.I still remember the idea ofthisself-surrender´d occured to me before opening that book but I said to myself:“How could I surrender to God such a terrible thing?“
It simply can´t be done!“Later I got the message.As if the Lord told me:“That ´s exactly why you must do it! I don´t need lots of your prayers but I want you to trust me and surrender your life to me completely.
Suddenly, those days weren´t so terrible and I had the feeling that Jesus was with me and would take care of everything.I was capable of thanking Him and praising Him even in such a grave situation.There were some worries but I wasn´t desperate anymore.I believe intercessory prayers also helped me a lot.On the day of the check-up I didn´t feel stomach neurosis ( as usual) and I was quite calm. I simply went there thinking that if this
operation was going to be neccesary I´d accept it and I just prayed in this way:“Lord, be with me and hold me! Without you I´m not going any further.I don´t mean to plan my life anymore because I know I´ll never be happy in this way.I´ve already given it to you and I mean to keep living according to Your plan because you mean very well by me but don´t leave me alone.Will you be with me?! I know you´ve got the power to heal me. Could you heal me in the way You want not in the way I want?! And if I lose my faith, strength and courage over and again, so could you please lift me up from the ground and carry me, my Lord.And I thank you for all the good things that this complicated situation may bring about.“
The fact that they´d find nothing wasn´t very probable - But it´d happened after all! The check-up turned out well and the brain blood vessel was alright! Thanks God! My happiness and gratefulness to our Lord was so immense that it was beyond expression.As if I got „the second chance“.
Nowdays I think much more highly of the gift of life, health and I ponder more over what harms my soul and how the things are with my husband and children´s soul….I´m thinking about things that lead my soul away from salvation because it´s the most important thing you should work towards.It´s odd that when suffering I´m somewhat closer to Jesus than ever before.It was strong experience for me and I don´t want to forget it.If only for that reason that today
I´m here and tomorrow I might not be.And I don´t want to idle this time away by doing silly things.
I´m much obliged to God for sparing me the strain of such a difficult operation and I want to confirm this by writing this evidence and thank again much as it´s still nothing for such a major grace….
Thank You, Lord!!
Pavla Genzerová June 2008, Zlín
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