My conversion
…I found myself right at the zebra crossing when suddenly there was “a vacuum“.The street and perhaps all the universe became silent and all I perceived was the mysterious voice in my heart that reverse my life into the completely different direction…I like to think of my childhood.I was a beloved child and my parents didn´t make any distintion between me, and my brothers and sisters.Even though my parents didn´t downgrade the faith in God, for all practical purposes, they lived according to it only in a superficial manner.We wanted to be a normal family.When I grew to womanhood, I got too big for my boots and I started longing for independence, and for my big romantic love ( like many young people ).I wasn´t finding a deeper meaning of my life so I set out to search for it.I had completely misrepresented ideas of the outside world because I was studying my grammar school near the place where I lived. So, I burst into this real world when I was nineteen.At that time nothing in the world could make me stay at home not even imploring talking of my worried parents.There was a dream about horses in my head and I carried it out in a selfish way.I tied the knot as rashly as I´d burst in the real world before.Unfortunately, our marriage broke up a year after the wedding ceremony and we filed the petition for divorce.There was time full of disappointment, pain and humiliation in my life.I often thought about God but nothing more.I didn´t feel like starting to believe in God. I continued to live like this.Nightmares, loneliness, scepticism and the pointlessness of the life.
After four years I said goodbye to my horses, handed in my notice and moved from the lonely place to town where I found lodgings and took up studying. A new era seemed to be dawning.I enjoyed my studies, found several good friends, and finally my self-confidence and failures were healed.
It was a big mistake but I didn´t find it out until I fell in love again.Paul was a well informed normal handsome man with the sense of fairness and faithfullness.The more I wanted to hold this relationship, the more intensively I started recalling incidents of my previous marriage.I was afraid that the story´d going to repeat and so in the course of time I did away with this love.After a year´s affair the last morning dawned. I gave him the goodbye kiss and that was the end.The morning rain masks the tears.And that was the last straw.If somebody experienced the feeling of the loss of zest for life, then he would understand the bottomless emptiness of the future.It was a disaster for my 25 years old childish soul.I didn´t want to be, I wanted to cancel my conscience and hide from the world and from myself.,It came to my mind to take the veil.It wasn´t the thirst for God, it was just a cowarly runaway.I bundled my toothbrush, a couple of togs and all my money into the bag.I took the first morning bus for Prague. Sitting squeezed in the seat I adressed God in my thoughts and called on him to act! :“Lord, if you exist, let me know you.I´m too weak to find you!“( When we´re weak, then we become strong through God´s work.)
And the Lord didn´t wait for anything else!The miraculous things´ve started to happen since.The long forgotten experiences pushed forward from the most hidden places of my memory.and the „films of my life“ were shown right before my eyes.My eyes slowly „opened up.“ Systematically, different situations came into my mind, and curiously enough I was able to analyse them with a dispassionate point of view.
And when you get to know your transgressions at least partialy and you´re willing to confess them,consequently comes the feeling of the heavy guilt.Naturally, I wanted to get rid of this heavy feeling, and so I decided to fast having only bread and water every day.But God´s Providence continued to lead me further away and I continued on my way to the Convent of the Charles Boromejský where kind hands of the sisters are looking after the old and gravely ill people.
I didn´t understand almost anything on that morning when the bus dropped me out on the ground of Moravské Budějovice.There was a chaos in my head and my heart was in tatters.But I was sure of standing on the threshold of the enormous events of the intensive spiritual world that´d asked me to come in and wanted to be revealed.
I didn´t ask people the way to the convent and I was fully lead by my intuition.After about half an hour I reached my destination.The nuns´ world was a completely new dimention for me.Dear sisters didn´t ask anything, and took me between them as if I´d belonged there.
And God kept on teaching me.In a painful way but softly.He touched me on the tender spot and at the same time healed my wounds.I was working from the morning till the evening
and I was eating bread and water.I was soking up every moment in gulps observing the people´s suffering and thinking about the meaning of it all.I was much impressed by it and I let the things in my heart drift.
But the feelings of guilt were growing.The more God attracted me, the more I came to know myself and a bundle of my sins made deep cuts into my shoulders.Confessions, fast or other ascetic inclinations were of no use.
The days went on slowly.I was an attentive pupil of my teacher and I found out that sentence, which I´d always thought to be just hot air, is true.“God is live.“Since his birth he´s been with me, rejoiced with me and went through a bad patch with me too.He´d been waiting for me for years to take notice of something more than myself.He´d been waiting for me to be willing to go silent and listen.
On the day when I went downtown in order to ask about the departures of the buses back home I experienced one of the most mystical experiences in my life.
I understood that the sorrow, which you´re going through, is very useful for clearing yourself. The feelings of my guilt, which I had to accept, were something like a fire without which the iron can´t be forged.
And IT happened at the moment of the complete acceptance of God´s will.I found myself right at the zebra crossing when all at once there was “a vacuum“.The street and perhaps all the universe became silent and all I perceived was the mysterious voice in my heart that reverse my life into the completely different direction…To put it in words:“I´ve shown you what I wanted to show you, I´ve taught you what I wanted to teach you, nowdays you´re in for the second period much more difficult: TO KEEP IT UP!!!“
At the moment when I got back on the pavement I came round and I felt indescribable sensation of forgiveness and happiness.I bought the first confectioner´s out and walking on air I came to the cloister where no explanation was necessary.Seeing the change, unlike me, the sisters understood what was going on ( I was told to put a new photo on my ID).
In the course of time, when I came back home and started being in touch with some Christian youth, reading literature and becoming stronger in my faith I found out what had occured to me was called “the conversion“ in technical terms and I think it was really difficult to keep up what God had taught me then.If your faith doesn´t become stronger and stronger, it´s going to be on the decline.
I god rid of various bad habits without fighting and all of a sudden my life was precious and the world seems to be meaningful.
Much water´s flowed under the bridge since then.Paul returned and in the course of time he threw in his lot with mine.I gave birth to two beautiful princesses and our family´s experiencing the rare human happiness.Let my story be an evidence for all those who´re searching for God.He´s really faithful and he lets you know himself, if you mean bussiness.
Nowdays I know he sometimes lets us fall flat on the ground so that he could ( if we consent to ) lift us up with great pomp, clean us and put us on the right place.
Dana Nosálková
Displayed 16410x od 05. 07. 2003
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