I used to be a drug addict
I often reproached God blasphemously for having created me and then left me at the mercy of my own imperfection and human silliness.I found my true personality in anarchism and punk lyrics.“Why search for the truth when there is just the only one and that is the fact that there is no truth at all!“ it was the motto of my painful lifeI grew up in the village in a Catholic family where I was urged to attend church and so on.Even when I´d started receiving the sacraments ( as it is usual in Catholic church ), I didn´t grasp their importance not mention the need of the relation between God and man.I´m frank with you in the same way as I can feel it in my heart.However, the fact of God´s existence was imprint on my mind….
Well, the rebellion against Christianity ( as a result of watching the life of “ the Christians whose names were just written in the civil register“ ) and the fact that God exists lead me astray.I´ve never procured purposely any neccesary literature about another religion.Everything was “coincidential“, spontaneous and in my opinion rather fatal.
I built the beginning of my journey through life on astronomy and horoscopes and I excelled at it.I came to know 900 people and I remembered 900 people´s sign of the zodiac.Consequently, I could compare the authenticity of the data written in the books.I often thought about the meaning of life – how the things are with it.When the first dissappointments in love, friendship, school and family arose, I started “grasping“the meaning of life – not to live and never be born.
I often reproached God bittely for having created me and left me at the mercy of my own imperfection and human silliness.I found my true personality in anarchism and punk lyrics. “Why search for the truth when there´s just only one and that is the fact that there is no truth at all!“ it was the motto of my painful life. Apathy is the part of the philosophy of anarchism that I soon adopted and it was noticeable it in my behaviour and especially in the bunch of people around me.It meant discos, concerts, pubs, cottages, a completely debauched life, cheap relationships.
When I didn´t know how to live in reality, I wanted to find a reality beyond me – I´m using the style of my former language.In reality it looked like I got drunk with a bunch of blokes and chicks and then we mixed it with pills.The end of this period of life was dominated considerably by “lady grass“ with which I´d fallen in love and since certain time I´d started smoking it.At this period I met my best friend and we smoked and spent leisure time together.It was and it is my present-day husband Radko.
I threw in my lot with him because we were fairly similar but my whims were focused on searching for the supernatural things.Radko always opposed my views because he was an atheist but it didn´t bother me.I´d rather proved it to him that the way he thought about life wasn´t quite right.For instance, as I´d already become engrossed in soothsaying from cards, colours, numbers and coffee…When I´ve told someone the fortunes on the strength of interpretation of cards and these things always happened then he believed for some time that there was something in it.
I recall this stage of my life when I was able to see or tell the future by intuition as a cursed and heinous walk inside dark prison cell.At that time I didn´t understand it and there was chaos in my head and finally uncertainty that I was afraid of.I couldn´t admit what all this malediction came from.I always thought these magical activities were harmless and conversely, if you knew how to cash in on it and get the “good thing“ out of it it might help you.It did but only for a while.Then life taught me a lesson and my convictions turned out to be false.In a practical way it looked as if I wanted to give up in my depression and die.I cried when I wasn´t seen and I wanted to vanish into thin air.These things occured at the time when a former satanist and the present Christian was talking to us about the hope in Jesus Christ.Every time we met him ( he smelled of death ) I was anxious to see him leave.I don´t know at all what he´d taked to us about but whenever I had a moment of weakness the name of JESUS reverberate inside me but I didn´t know what I was supposed to do about it or him.
It was very excruciating for me to be in my own family.I hated it because of the alcohol that prevailed there all the time.On that evening of the radical change happened the tragical event concerning my brother who´s fallen victim to alcohol.There was a U-turn in my life.I saw him threatening with the knife in his hand that he´d kill himself ( it wasn´t the first time ).My mother tried to take the knife out of his hands and I saw her almost dead.A terrible scene.I was freightened.I´ve never been so much scared.I was crying for help in the yard and in the street.I don´t want to focus on those details about my family and what´d happened next but it made me look at the reality again and especially stop finally.I talked ( nowdays I know ) to God about the fact that I couldn´t really go on.Plenty of interrogation points that were in my head made me unburden and accuse myself.
Where´s justice? – at that time I felt very much that there was somewhere.At the place where there are good talks and where the good triumphs over the evil…Two days later, Radko came and told me that when I´d gone through the hell he met the friend who´d told him about the BIBLE.It´s not only a sort of religious or illuminating book but the book written by God through the human beings.It could have been the subject of conversation for all the day. Mentally I was still feeling very lousy.I really dallied with the idea of going to see a psychiatrist.In the evening we tried to get out of depression by eating magic mushrooms but it even deepened it.I started realizing even more the hell in which we lived in but nowdays I know that thanks GOD, who´s kept a watch on everything,after a short while our calls were heard and worked out to the last detail.
Radko and I was talking generally about God for about two hours .It wasn´t until next day when we realized that we didn´t experience the state caused by the magic mushrooms.On our way home the talk about God lifted our spirits and induced hope in which we started feeling more secure.Only when we were sitting at home and were still sad leafing through the small New Testament, Radko uttered loudly these words “and what if Jesus Christ…..“and then it arrived! I write it purposely in this way because it was really like Saul´s conversion.All of a sudden we really surrendered to the clamour for the repentance and a complete change of thinking and direction that we should go.I know that not every Christian experiences his rebirth in an emotional way but as for us we were keen on God.We were joyful, tiny, naive and simply the happiest babies in the world because we were in Father´s arms.
Thoughts and coherent sentences arose in my mind and they simply couldn´t come from anywhere else than from God.What we had to do who we should meet up with and where to go.I know we´ve experienced with Radko the experience that can´t be forgotten and I have God to thank him very much for the fact that Radko and I are “spiritual twins“ and we like to remember our rebirth! You can never express in your words the gratitude that I feel and I realize due to what Jesus´s done for us. Jesus is the only reality that´s disclosed his identity to us.I´m changing my previous motto for – “It´s neccessary to look for the truth for there is just the only one and this is that Jesus Christ is the Truth.
Vlaďa Hrušková April 2007
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