I fell under the tram or why just me?
The driver went on ringing but I didn´t hear anything and was just lying on the rails.No, I didn´t want to kill myself but I really don´t know what happened then and maybe it´s not so important – I think if it was important, I´d remember it.The fourth term of my studies´d just started but I was lying in the hospital because the tram´d broken and run over my legs.You are never alone
I´d like to say a few words about my illness, about my pain which may finally turn into the blessing and to share the grace and knowledge with you that I received through the suffering.
Many of us suffer and think
they won´t staind it anymore
sometimes their pain is so great
that they´d rather die
than keep on living.
Sometimes they´re alone with
their illness and pain
nobody understands them and they´ve got the feeling
that it´s all over
Then they ask:“Why only just me?
I don´t deserve it after all!“
It also took me a very long time to put up with it and accept it all somehow.Plenty of people around me, especially those who don´t believe in God, are unable to face up to it.I´d like to tell those who´ve experienced or are experiencing similar sufferings that everything has a sense and you´re never alone…I want to encourage them.
I fell under the tram and came round a couple of days later
Four years ago this spring I fell under the tram.I didn´t know absolutely how.I was just going to the cinema and came to myself a few days later in hospital.I don´t remember anything not even the fact I was going to take the tram (retrograde loss of memory).The tramdriver was said to ring but I couldn´t hear anything and was just lying on the rails. No, I didn´t want to kill myself but I really don´t know what happened then and maybe it´s not so important – I think if it was important I´d remember it.The fourth term of my studies´d just started but I was lying in the hospital because the tram´d broken and run over my legs.It was bearable until I understood what was actually going on here.Well, I´m gonna lie here for a while and then everything´s gonna be as it used to be.Nevertheless, when I´d stopped taking morphine after a few weeks I thought I´d go crazy.They managed to sew on me the part of the leg which the tram´d run over.They did their best but then I´d have preferred them to cut it off and it´d have been soon over. The worst thing for me was those painful days when I was alone ( sometimes locked myself up with thick-skinned and evil orderly ) and far away from all my near relatives in the city where I only studied.
I didn´t want to live
This time was longer than a century
I asked the Lord to take me to his kingdom.I asked myself:“What´s the use of being here if I´m a cripple? Why do I have to carry on living when I´m only taking up bed here and don´t mean to be here in the world at all?“ There were a few long and endless nights without any possibility of falling asleep at least for a while.This time was longer than a century.
Then I finally fell asleep and had a dream that Jesus was telling me I shouldn´t die I had a place and a mission here….The pain eased off a little bit and I promised God to stay here and not to ask Him anymore to let me die.I promised Him to struggle and endeavour to live like this.
You weren´t allowed to cry there
It was easy for a few weeks and I persevered with my resolution – to live and to be grateful for the life to smile and to be happy.However,when they´d transferred me to another section, everything collapsed about me for the second time.There were very evil nurses and no peace or privacy there..The other patients watched T.V.in their rooms from dawn to dusk.It was their pastime but I´ve lost the peace and silence that healed after all….My legs almost haven´t hurt and in a couple of months I could get to my feet from the wheelchair and stand up on one foot.The world is somewhat different when you don´t lie but you stand and you think you´re so tall, straight,direct and free…and at the same time you are a kind of helpless, shaky, fragile and prone to fall.You´ve got the feeling that someone´s holding you ( guardian angel or the Lord himself ) and if you let him go you´ll fall and break your broken legs again.
Nonetheless, what worried me more than my illness was the other people´s behaviour.The nurses made obvious that I was annoying them and was a burden on them.They told me it was my fault and that I was completely stupid because I fell under the trams and cried all the time – we weren´t allowed to cry there because otherwise the nurses would bawl us out.I was happy when I could finally go out on the wheelchair from my section into the hospital chapel.
The pain still persisted and took me away whatever joy
And then the pain recurred.All of a sudden I couldn´t move again.At the same time I was trying to prepare for the exams so that I didn´t need to break my studies – the fact that I was studying satisfied me in a way.I was glad not to idle about and not to mull over my illness all the time…..But you couldn´t do anything properly when feeling such a pain.It still persisted in every movement day and night.It kept me from sleeping and took me away whatever joy.The more I was crying and eating my heart out, the more the nurses were grumpy.The analgesics didn´t take effect not even the strongest ones.Nobody understood how it was possible and the doctors even said I was making things up.The nurses said that I was weakling, coward, and molly-coddle.
God always did something that impressed me and hinted me the solution.It´s not that he´d free me from this pain but on the contrary, he helped me to carry it and live with it.For instance, by hearing some word from my friend or a priest.Or some verse from Bible, song, story and depending on my needs.I always thought I wouldn´t be able to bear this pain anymore and I didn´t even want to bear it.However, you can´t put your pain aside when it sticks to you, you can´t get gid of it.Your problems can be sorted out but you can´t get rid of your pain.This comes and leaves ( but very rarely ) at its own sweet will.Or rather it depends on how God permits.It scared me to live with it.You´ve got the feeling it´ll never end and I have to live like this all my life.Nevertheless, at the moment when you accept it it´s not so terrible, desperate and hopeless.On a Chrismas I hadn´t slept for two weeks.I was feeling ill just lying and couldn´t move.I wanted to sleep but I couldn´t because I writhed with pain.Nobody knew it except God.I couldn´t say anything to my parents.They would be worried but they couldn´t help me.( Especially my mum´s very sensitive I´d only make her sad if I told her something.She had to undergo a psychiatric treatment after my incident.In addition, I can´t share everything with my parents because I don´t trust them fully.That´s why it was better to be silent.) I exceptionally fell asleep for half an hour but then I was just crying and calling to God all night long.I think it was a miracle I didn´t go mad at that time.I wasn´t far from it.Have a whack at refraining from sleeping for two weeks and just writhing with pain.
Later it began to dawn on me slowly that this pain wasn´t a punishment, warning, blame or my fault but I had to endure it.All the patients´medicine took effect but mine didn´t.I finally stop taking analgesics because I realized that I was to bear this pain that the Lord wanted it and it wasn´t bad.I´ve got plenty of Protestant brothers and sisters and all of them kept on telling me that the pain is bad and God doesn´t want it.If I suffer some pain, so I haven´t confessed any sin.Nobody didn´t want to accept that it might also be possible to suffer with Him when you offered it to him and carry it with Him.
Discharged after seven months but with the wires in my legs
I was finally discharged after seven months.They haven´t known anymore what to do with me.I was trying to go to school but I was terribly scared.I was staying at my lodgings.The autumn arrived and outside my crutches skidded on the wet pavements and mouldered leaves.I could walk only with the help of the external immobilizer (the make MCB).This is a sort of wires that jutt through your legs and they are linked with the hoops outside around your leg.It´s painful, fragile, unsuitable and it´s easy to twist the wires that can move in your leg and press on your nerves.You can´t protect the injured limb from cold and squeeze it in anywhere.As this leg with the wires is half a metre wide you can´t get it into the small car either.It´s impossible to lie nor sit because the wires jutt out from everywhere.The spots, where the wires enter the limb, start festering very fast and you can´t stop it at all.Torturing alive.I was very frightened of going to the bus stop keeping on to school and then coming back home on my own.I always got stranded somewhere half way through.I couldn´t start moving because of the pain and I burst to tears….However, the Lord always made me get home.I´m a terrible chicken and in this way I learned to overcome my fear and simply trust God.It took a long time to get over this fear and it´s a significant victory.It´s Christ´victory not mine.
You can also live in this way and even happily
And then followed other operations.The doctor´s damaged my leg during an operation and owing to his carelessness it may not heal anymore.It was awefully difficult for me to forgive him.Time wore on like this for one year and a half but I´d rather skip this stage.They always promised me to take those wires off but I was just admitted to hospital being kept there for a long time and then discharged without any changes.
And then they began shortening my leg – actually, they´d lengthened it before so that it could :“grow up“ what they´d amputated.It was only a few years later when it emerged that it´d been pointless and that this plan wouldn´t work.I had to face up to a new struggle: to accept the fact that I´d be never able to walk again normally.There was no solution or way of treatment.My reproaches to God started again.Almost blasphemy.The same questions again.The Lord´s patience again who´s been showing me for months that you can live like this even happily.It´s not a bad thing and I shall bear it.This is a good thing.
They finally took off my external immobilizer.It was after one prayer when I put up with everything and I simply offered myself to the Lord´s hands.Jesus Christ, do to me what you like.I believe it´s Your will and it´s good. If you will, I´ll endure it.If you will, you´ll help me to get rid of this pain.Two days later out of the blue, doctors promised me to take those wires off.And it was the end of the pain but of course not the end of the problems.It happened in the nick of time because it was the moment of my greatest loneliness and other difficulties.It ´s the side issue that then they strengthened the bones in a wrong manner and they were disconnected again…I´ve already realized that even doctors were just instruments in the God´s plan
I´m much obliged to God for what I´d experienced
I´m obliged to God
that I needn´t be afraid of the pain
that everything is beautiful with Christ even the pain
that I appreciate it all much more nowdays and don´t think only about myself
and about my worries but also about the others
I´m grateful for the hope that I don´t live in vain
that you´re never alone – although we´re unfaithful
God is faithful and helps us to carry our burdens
that pain can also be good
because it can draw us nearer to God and strengthen your relationship to him
that God comes in the greatest obscurity and loneliness
he touches human heart and although you cry
at first out of regret you end up crying out of pleasure and gratitude
that although I had two legs I´d never have to come to God
that God let all these accidents and injuries happen
so as to warn us not to punish us:
think about yourself, human and change your life
because you may not lead the righteous life nowdays but you may be rushing headlong towards the ruin.Turn to me and stop right now.
There´s plenty of time for it ( in the hospital ).And try it differently.
Mgr.Vendula Zajíčková, February 2007
Borrowed with the kind permission of the Internet portal www.vira.cz
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